I’ve been a little intentionally vague about my new job for a variety of reasons.  First, that’s a good policy for everyone on social media – if your boss isn’t the one paying you to write that blog post, you’ll probably want to tread very lightly when discussing any portion of the company or organization.

Second, I actually work full time for the military.  I’m not going to get into what capacity, what my job is or anything else for, again, a variety of reasons ranging from security to regulations about speaking against the military and country, worries about appearing to give a military endorsement to other organizations – the list goes on.  I work in the defense sector, and we’ll call that enough.  It’s not super undercover secret squirrel stuff – it’s just not something I’m going to write about.

Except I am going to write about some of it – tangentially, anyway.  Sometimes they just make it too easy and there is no way I am going to pass up some of this low hanging fruit.  For instance, I recently have traveled to Missouri for two months of training.  I know what you’re thinking:  Who does this guy know that he got to spend two months in Missouri?  Jealous?  You should be.

While I was there, I noticed a disturbing trend.  Apparently anyone is allowed to make and post a sign.  Whether they are ordering signs from a shop or just banging one out on their own printers, these random sign makers were on a rampage.

For example:

Setting aside the orientation of this picture, this is a perfect example of someone having one bad experience and making a sign.  There just could not have been that many people wandering into this building to take showers in this locker room, given that it was set apart from any other buildings by half a mile in all directions.  I like to imagine a more thrilling scenario where an ISIS member was using the shower and somebody was all, “Hey, ISIS can’t use our showers!  I’m making a sign!”  But I suspect what actually happened was someone went to use the showers one day and had to wait an extra 30 seconds.

But in that same bathroom is a classic:

This is a pee chart where you compare to color of your urine going into the urinal with the chart.  Note that the top, nearly water-like color says “optimal.”  The only thing that is optimal for is spending your entire afternoon standing in front of that urinal and comparing the color of your pee to the chart.  Sure, you’re going to miss class because you’re doing nothing but peeing all day, but you’re well hydrated, so congratulations?

Here’s a trio from inside the chowhall, including two in the bathroom.

 

I can only imagine the sort of shenanigans that were occurring in this bathroom to make these signs necessary.  But the sign calling the toilet a stool?  Comedy gold.  I’m pretty sure that making a joke incorporating stool, brown towels, toilets, flushing, etc would just write itself if I were to go that lowbrow route.  But I won’t – I’m going to rise above that sort of humor.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:  Quotation marks are not used for emphasis.  When you use them as this sign used them, it is actually denoting sarcasm or irony.  Which makes your sign funny.

I’ve also seen some things related to signs that I feel I should share.

Here’s a print of a painting hanging in a military facility celebrating a Confederate General who had so recently become a treasonous traitor that he was still wearing his blue Union coat when he led an attack against the United States.   I was going to say that it seems oddly inappropriate to hang such a print in a building belonging to the very organization he betrayed, but oddly inappropriate doesn’t seem to do it justice.  Wildly inappropriate?  Horrifically inappropriate?

[Note:  After a little digging, I realized this wasn’t in a building in Missouri, but Maine.  I think that makes it worse somehow.]

And finally, there is this little gem from a textbook I had during my training:

The general consensus among people I’ve showed this to seems to be there was obviously a rule stating there had to be three bullets if you used any bullets.

“Ok, we need a third bullet.  We’ve already got that it’s lightweight and easy to use.  What else?”

“It’s light?”

“I think that’s the same thing as lightweight.”

“The filter don’t add much weight?”

“Whatever.  Sure.  Check the box off on particulate respirator.  It’s done.”

I have more wonderful things from my trip to Missouri to share with you later.  They won’t all make you dumber, I promise.