Physical violence is the only way some people will ever learn the lessons they so clearly need to learn. I really wanted to be a more mellow person who wants us all to get along, but too many of you have proven I was an idiot for believing that would work. Now I am proposing a series of laws to allow us swift and immediate physical violence for people who cannot seem to understand societal norms. I’m not talking about understanding complex or subtle societal norms, like what does your spouse really mean when they say, “Everything is fine.” I’m talking basic stuff – don’t wipe boogers on the table, don’t saunter across the street when a vehicle is letting you cross. That kind of thing.
For example, when the cashier opens up a new check-out line and the person from the end of the existing line hustles over to be first in the new line, you get to throw an elbow into the back of that guy’s head. As hard as you can. Really step into it. And as a bonus, you get one open handed slap on the cashier who didn’t bother to come over and get the person who was next in the existing line, opting instead to just open the floor up to anarchy.
If you try to get on a bus, a subway or an elevator before the people who are already on that mode of transportation get off they are legally obligated to perform a crane kick to your face. Ideally, we would install some sort of intelligent music system in the speakers that would play “You’re The Best Around” from the Karate Kid whenever someone kicks an idiot.
Leaving a jar or bottle top sitting on the jar or bottle but not screwed on is worthy a blow to the jejunum using at only 50% power.
Being kind to others and appealing to the better angels of our nature has proven to fail in a spectacular manner. It’s allowed a uniquely unqualified idiot to be elected to the presidency. It’s allowing Southern bigots to take over states using agendas that focus more on which bathroom people can use than what to do about the working poor. It makes no sense to stand by while these people bully their way through the world.
If you post a fake new story on Facebook because you still don’t know how to conduct a basic Google search for verification you are in for an ass whooping. And while I might not be right there with you while you post it, the next time I see you I get to break one finger for every 10 likes the fake story receives. When you run out of fingers, we’ll move on to toes.
There are a number of traffic violations that will be worthy of an attack of gunfire. All driving errors will not be grounds for violence on their own, but if you are on your cell phone while you make that error the aggrieved party can and should shoot at you. Beyond that, most of the violations worthy of violence will involve not letting people in during heavy traffic.
Tolerance is great. We should be tolerant of others and their beliefs and cultures and way of life. But everything has its limit. I don’t need to “tolerate” you pretending there is no line somewhere when there is clearly a line. At that point, you’re just an asshole and someone should teach you a lesson, not tolerate you.
Walking slow and three abreast down the sidewalk or hallway? When you are stuck behind these people, do a leg sweep and drive someone’s face into the hard pavement or tile. You won’t be able to get all of them, but karma will eventually work its way to each offender.
I’m not unreasonable. I recognize that this program involves retributive and immediate violence. So there has to be some sort of system of checks and balances. Easy. Anyone who wishes to be allowed to use physical violence to correct others’ poor societal manners must wear a body camera. I’ve been advocating for police to wear these for a while now, so I don’t mind using it for this program. Hell, with this program we’ll probably be able to cut ¾ of the police officers in the country anyway. This program saves money.
As long as you have video evidence of a person’s transgressions you are in the clear to treat them with unmerciful justice. And, if you are elderly or weigh less than, say, 120 pounds, then you get to carry a billy club of justice. If it can be shown that you meted out violence without cause or proof, you get the eye for an eye treatment and receive whatever punishment you handed out.
Spoiling a movie within one month of its release is a death sentence. Spoiling a movie one month to six months after release is a punch to the face. Six months to a year after a movie’s release is no consequence for spoiling. Complaining that someone else spoils a movie that is over a year from its release allows you to be punched in the face. Seriously, people want to discuss movies/TV shows, so if a year goes by and you still don’t know Han Solo dies, I think you are the one who should get punished for trying to make the world revolve around you.
Pissing on a public toilet seat get you a sharp shot to the kidney. Hopefully you will pee blood and it will remind you over the next couple of days what an inconsiderate boob you were.
Not knowing what you want when you get to the front of the line at McDonald’s even though their menu rarely changes earns you a rabbit punch to the back of the head. In a similar vein creating some sort of complex order that takes forever in the drive-through lane allows the person behind you to rear-end your vehicle and you must pay for damages.
Pedestrians and joggers that are in the street when there is a sidewalk available? You’re not allowed to hit them on purpose, but nobody will investigate it, either. Wink wink.
This isn’t political. For instance, when you use the phrase “war on Christmas” I think you definitely deserve to have your leg broken, but I do recognize that is a political stance – an opinion. These laws aren’t about correcting people’s political opinions. This law is about physically punishing people who are clearly can’t understand what it takes to live in a functioning society. And, ideally, once these laws have been in place for a while, we’ll have fewer people who would vote for Trump clogging up the arteries of America anyway.
Putting garbage in already overflowing garbage can. Taking last cup of coffee without making more. Reheating fish in the microwave of the public break room at work. All bets are off.
Having a vanity license plate that’s clearly a vanity license plate but it’s such a convoluted mess of numbers and letters the no one understands what it means. DYKJH? What the hell does that mean? I’m trying to drive, not figure out cryptography for the NSA. OK, this one may be a little petty and I perhaps can let it go. Like I said, I’m not unreasonable.
The Foolhardy Farmer 